In My Head

By: ... taken at an art exhibition in Seoul.

He doesn’t have a face.

But he definitely has a personality.

He listens perfectly. He texts first. He gets all my jokes and knows exactly what to say when I’m feeling off. He’s mature but funny, confident but humble. And somehow, he always knows when to bring coffee.

He doesn’t exist.

But he lives in my head.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve got this dream guy hanging out in your imagination. You didn’t even mean to create him, but there he is—existing without flaws and just waiting for you to notice how amazing he is. And because he’s perfect, every real man you meet kind of ends up in a losing competition.

And we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

We start to wonder if that guy at church or the one in our small group could be “the one,” and then, without even meaning to, we’re playing out conversations and scenarios and watching this version of him grow in our head.

But we’re not falling for him.

We’re falling for the projection.

I think most of us grew up on stories. Fairytales, sermons, blog posts, books, Hallmark movies. We’ve been trained to believe that some ideal guy will show up and fit into our world like a puzzle piece. He’ll be wise and strong and somehow emotionally available all the time, even though he has a leadership job and a perfectly timed Bible verse for every situation.

It’s easy to spiritualize it too. Like, “God told me he’s my husband.”Or, “I feel peace when I think about him.”Or, “I just know.”

But sometimes what we know is just our own longing talking.

I think we like imagining our future husbands because it feels like control. In our heads, he says all the right things. He never pulls away. He doesn’t need space or ask for clarity because he’s already crystal clear. It’s safe.

No vulnerability.

No risk.

No reality.

And that’s the DANGER.

I have a rule for myself now. I don’t imagine real people in any made-up situations—romantic, professional, even casual hangouts.

Why?

The local cafe owner feeding his daughter while she sits on his wife's lap.

Because I’ve learned the hard way how quickly those imaginations grow into expectations. And expectations grow into disappointment. Not because the other person did anything wrong. But because they weren’t the version I built in my head.

Real people lose when we compare them to someone we invented.

It’s like handing someone a script they never read and then getting mad when they miss their lines.

Sometimes, the real person has something beautiful to offer—something better, even. But we can’t see it because we’re too busy looking for the fantasy.

We become blind to the blessing because we’re so fixed on the dream.

And it’s not just about projecting onto people we know.

I’ve caught myself doing it with people I haven’t even met.

My future husband doesn’t have a face. But he has a sense of humor. He has integrity. He talks to God every morning. He’s tender but bold. He respects boundaries. He understands nuance. He’s emotionally healthy and has dealt with his childhood trauma already.

I mean, this man is thriving.

But I created him.

I don’t know what he looks like when he’s tired or frustrated or misunderstood. I don’t know what he sounds like in a disagreement. I don’t know what his laugh is like or how he responds to change.

And yet somehow, I already think I know him.

That’s what makes it so tricky.

Because when a real guy shows up—someone kind, thoughtful, genuine—I can start comparing him to the version in my imagination. And if he doesn’t match…I feel disappointed.

Even though I don’t know him yet.

Letting go of that dream is hard.

But... I’ve had to.

I’ve started asking God to help me surrender the version of love that only lives in my head. Because He didn’t promise to give me my fantasy. He promised to give me something good.

And good doesn’t mean predictable. Or scripted. Or perfectly on-brand with my Tik Tok For You page.

Good means human. Flawed. Growing. Real.

God shapes people for connection and purpose. Not for the highlight reel in our minds.

And honestly? Letting go of control isn’t the same as settling.

It’s freedom.

It opens the door to curiosity instead of comparison. It helps us see someone as they are, not as we hoped they’d be. It allows us to appreciate traits we didn’t even know we wanted—things that surprise us and soften us and challenge us in the best ways.

And the more I’ve done that, the more I’ve realized this:

Real love doesn’t need a fantasy to thrive.

To the woman reading this who feels torn between what she’s imagined and what she sees, I get it.

It’s okay to want a deep, thoughtful, God-centered kind of man. It’s okay to have desires. It’s okay to dream.

Two men I randomly saw on the street over 10 years ago and took a pic of because...you all see how handsome they were.

But don’t let the dream steal the joy of discovery.

Let the man you meet be new. Let him unfold in real time. Let him surprise you.

God’s version of good is always better than the one we create.

One of the sweetest moments I’ve had was talking with someone I didn’t think I’d connect with. I had zero expectations. I had not thought of him as anything as someone to meet for a school project. In my mind this was a business meeting. But then he shared something honest, something I didn’t expect.

And I saw something good. Something solid. Something I could’ve missed.

It reminded me—fantasies feel safe, but real love?

That’s where the beauty is.

Ask God to help you loosen your grip on the dream. Ask Him to open your heart to what’s real. And when love comes, however it comes, don’t miss it because you were looking for someone who never actually existed.