Say Something

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I’m supposed to be pursued or if I’m just waiting around and calling it faith. I want to be chosen, noticed, and yes—pursued. But I also fear coming across too forward, too confident, or too casual, like I’m just bantering or being friendly. I’ve had moments where I reached out and then panicked, convinced I ruined something that didn’t even exist yet.

The stillness of a pond in China with beautiful reflections of the clouds near Chiang Bai Shan.

This topic comes up all the time with my single friends. We’ll talk about how we want someone to pursue us but then wonder if we’re doing enough ourselves. There’s this weird tension between longing to feel desired and hearing advice like, “You should make the first move” or “Put yourself out there.” It’s confusing and kind of exhausting trying to figure out what’s wise and what’s just fear.

When people in Christian spaces talk about being “pursued,” they usually mean the guy should initiate. The man leads, makes his intentions clear, and follows through. It’s often framed as biblical leadership, drawing from verses like Ephesians 5 about husbands loving their wives or pointing to Boaz taking Ruth as his wife. Some even reference the story of Hosea, though that one gets a bit heavy for dating advice.

These stories and verses can be powerful, but sometimes they’re used like a script. There’s this picture painted where the godly man chases, and the godly woman waits—preferably quietly, gracefully, and in a sundress. And while the heart behind it might be good, I think we miss out on some nuance when we turn principles into rules.

A gorgeous hollyhock blooming near a pond.

There’s something beautiful about a person who pursues with intention, who is clear about their interest and consistent in their actions. That kind of pursuit feels safe, seen, and covered in prayer. But sometimes we start to think pursuit has to be dramatic—a big chase, a fight for our attention, a movie scene. And then we confuse waiting with silence and call it spiritual when really it’s just confusing.

Personally, I don’t believe silence means someone is interested. I believe if a man likes you, you’ll know—because he’ll pursue. If he’s quiet, that feels like a clear no to me, and I’ve learned not to sit around trying to decode a lack of action.

Of course, I’ve heard people say, “Maybe he’s just shy” or “He’s probably praying about it,” and sure, that can happen. But I also think if a guy is interested and emotionally mature, there will be some effort, some signal. I’d rather risk walking away from someone passive than waste months hoping he’ll finally say something. If it’s from God, I won’t have to beg for clarity.

So do we wait or take initiative? That question makes me nervous because I don’t want to chase someone down. I don’t want to feel like I’m controlling the situation or taking on a role that God didn’t give me. But when I look at Scripture, I see women like Ruth, who laid at Boaz’s feet, and Rebekah, who showed kindness without knowing it would lead to marriage. They weren’t desperate; they were obedient and wise.

Taking initiative doesn’t cancel out faith. It can look like showing up, being honest, smiling back, or responding to a message. God isn’t bound by one way of doing things. There’s a difference between chasing someone and making space for something to grow. It’s not about reversing God’s design—it’s about recognizing that relationships involve two people and a lot of discernment.

What I’ve had to learn (and am still learning) is that clear communication matters more than cute mystery. Waiting around, hoping someone will read my mind or interpret my friendliness correctly, has only led to more confusion. And honestly, it’s okay to ask, “Hey, what do you mean by that?” or “Where do we stand?” It’s awkward but also freeing.

We need to stop glorifying the idea that one person should always be pursuing and the other just receiving. That’s not a relationship; that’s a transaction. Real connection involves mutual interest, mutual effort, and mutual respect. It’s not about who makes the first move but about how both people move forward together.

The list coming at the end of a tunnel

If you’re waiting, wait well. That doesn’t mean hiding or pretending you don’t care. It means living your life with open hands, not clenched fists. It means growing in your walk with God, serving others, being available, and learning how to show interest without forcing anything.

You can be someone who is active in her community, kind to people, and open to connection without compromising your values. You don’t have to pretend you don’t want love. You also don’t have to manufacture it. There’s a middle space where wisdom lives, and it’s often quieter than fear or fantasy.

God isn’t limited by your boldness or your waiting. I’ve seen stories where people met because one person made a brave move and stories where people stayed faithful in stillness. Both can be holy ground. What matters most is not whether you’re pursued but whether you’re building something real when you are.

So yes, desire pursuit. That’s okay. Want to feel chosen, cherished, seen. But even more than pursuit, desire partnership—someone who wants to walk with you, not just impress you from afar. Someone who knows that relationships take time, clarity, and shared effort.

We don’t need to figure it out alone. In the comments, I’d love to hear—what has pursuit looked like in your life compared to what you thought it would be? Let’s talk about it.