Scars to Your Beautiful

Me looking at art

This past week, I heard relationship news from two different friends. One friend got engaged, and my heart overflowed with joy for her. I was genuinely excited and happy. The other friend told me she has a boyfriend, and my reaction was completely different. I want to say I felt some happiness for her, but truthfully, I was jealous, upset, and in a full state of self-pity. Even though their news was similar, my feelings toward them were worlds apart.

*Just to let you know, this post is raw and transparent, written from a place of reflection, not from a place of having it all figured out.

What surprised me most was realizing that my jealousy wasn’t really about their relationship status or the timing. It was about the person. I have other friends who found boyfriends recently, and I have celebrated with them wholeheartedly. But with this particular friend, my heart responded with bitterness and confusion. It is strange how your feelings can change so much based on who is in the story, even when the news is the same. It made me pause and ask myself why this was so different.

The truth is, this friend has been a source of pain in my life for a long time. Our friendship has been filled with tension and hurt. She teases me so often that I lose confidence every time I’m around her. She never asks how I am really doing or shows genuine care. She completely disregards my likes, dislikes, and even allergies. Whenever we meet, she tries to sell me the latest product she’s pushing. If I get busy or spend time with other people, she gets mad at me. But she is the one who flakes on plans and cancels last minute. When I really need support, she disappears for months. Over the years, I have lost all trust in her.

Me working out at a hotel gym

If it were possible to end this friendship without losing the mutual friends we share, I would. I, honestly, would break off this relationship in a heartbeat. I know this sounds heartless, and maybe even harsh, but I am choosing to be 100% honest right now. Sometimes friendships hurt so deeply that you have to face the reality of how toxic they are. It’s a complicated situation because ending it means risking more than just one friendship.

So why am I jealous of her? Why do I struggle to feel happy for her when she finds a boyfriend? The answer is wrapped up in something deeper for me. I struggle with feeling not good enough, and it’s tied to my size. I want to be thinner. I want to fit a certain image of what I believe men want or what I think makes someone lovable. That voice inside me says, “If only I were smaller, maybe I would be chosen.” It’s a painful thought and one I wrestle with often. How did she, who treats me this way, find someone who loves her? It feels unfair, confusing, and hurtful.

The jealousy is really about those unmet desires in my heart: to be loved, to be seen, to be chosen despite my size. I know in my head that God made me perfectly, but in my heart, the struggle feels real and raw. Comparison twists my view of reality. It makes me believe that others get what I want without “earning” it or without struggling with the same things I face. It convinces me that I have to change my body or myself to deserve love.

But then I remind myself that God’s grace is not based on how thin I am or how “good” I am. His blessings are not a reward for meeting some standard of beauty or worthiness. Maybe this friend’s relationship doesn’t diminish my value or my future. God is still writing my story in a way that is uniquely mine. Sometimes others’ blessings feel like a mirror showing where we are hurting. My jealousy might be a signal of how deeply I long to be cherished, not proof that I’m broken.

It helps to shift my focus from the unfairness to the hope that God’s love is bigger than my feelings of inadequacy. His grace meets me exactly where I am—in my size, in my imperfections, in my longing. I am still worthy of love just as I am, and my story is still unfolding. I don’t have to pretend to be okay to be holy. Being honest with God and myself about my struggles is where healing begins.

Naming grief and jealousy in a safe place with God is so important. I don’t have to hide these hard feelings or act like everything is perfect. I can bring my pain and confusion to Him and trust He is listening. Being gentle with myself when someone else’s joy feels like my pain is a form of grace. It’s okay to feel torn and tender. These feelings don’t make me weak; they make me human.

A cute, fun cat figurine at a cafe that I love

If you are reading this and feeling a similar mix of jealousy and longing, you are not alone. God can handle your real emotions and meet you in the messiness of your heart. You are still worthy of love, even if it hasn’t come yet. Your honesty and vulnerability are brave steps toward healing. Keep trusting that God is working your story in a beautiful way, even when it feels confusing. Your season of waiting is not wasted, and your heart is not forgotten.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your story or simply know I’m not alone: leave a comment or share this with someone who needs to know their feelings are valid too.