The Waiting

I’ve talked about my desire to be married more times than I can count. I think about it a lot. And if I’m being completely honest, I can’t say I don’t obsess over it sometimes.

Heaven Lake at Mount Baekdu

It’s not just a passing thought or something I bring up once in a while. It’s a desire that lives with me daily. I carry it around in my prayers, in my hopes, and in the way I think about my future.

But I’ve also been afraid of what this desire could turn into. I don’t want it to become an idol. I don’t want marriage to take up more space in my heart than God does.

I want to want God more. That’s the real battle. So I keep asking, how do I invite God into this desire without letting it consume me?

For a majority of my life, I didn’t want to get married. It wasn’t something I dreamed about or prayed for. I feel like God gave me this desire because He’s the one who opened this part of my heart.

That’s why it feels so complex. I didn’t just create this longing from pressure or culture. I truly believe it’s something God placed inside of me.

When I pray about marriage, I’m not just asking for something fun or romantic. I pray for a partner I can truly enjoy doing life with. Someone who communicates well and makes everyday things feel like something to look forward to.

I want someone who gets along with my family and lets me feel at ease with his. I’d love if he stays active or does something to care for his health. If he lifts weights and wants to work out with me, that’s a bonus, but not a dealbreaker.

It matters to me that he has friendships he invests in. I think that kind of balance helps a relationship stay healthy. I imagine someone who enjoys healthy food, likes being with people, and blends naturally into the life I’ve already built.

Park in Baishan, China

These things aren’t unreasonable. They’re not shallow either. They reflect what I value and how I hope to walk through life with someone.

But with all that said, I still want God to stay first. So when I pray, I always try to begin with surrender. I usually say something like, “God, I want your will more than mine.”

I don’t always mean it in the moment, but I say it because I want to mean it. After that, I tell Him everything I’m hoping for. I tell Him I want to be married and that I don’t want to settle for someone who loves Him less than I do.

That’s the foundation. If a man isn’t following God’s will for his life, then we can’t walk together. From there, I include all the other things that matter to me on a more personal level.

And then I try to let it go for the day. I do my best to leave it with God and shift my focus. I’ve done what I can.

I’ve prayed, I’m open to meeting people, and I’m taking care of myself. I want to be responsible with my desires, but I also know I can’t force anything into place. The rest is up to Him.

But here's the part that’s hard to say. When I tell God, “Even if I never get married, I’ll be okay,” I don’t fully believe it.

I know the right answer is that God is enough. I know I’m supposed to find my fulfillment in Him and not in a relationship. But deep down, there’s still this small fear that I won’t be okay if this dream never happens.

The road to poet Yoon Dong Joo's home in Myeongdongchon (Yanbian), China

It’s like a quiet conversation I have with God every day. Some days I feel content. Other days I feel anxious, sad, or confused.

It’s not that I’ve lost faith. It’s just that faith doesn’t always feel strong or certain. Sometimes it looks like repeating the same prayers even when you’re not sure what to expect.

At church recently, we had a prayer meeting where we sang these really old songs. During one of them, I felt deeply convicted. The lyrics were all about surrender, and I thought, maybe I need to stop praying for marriage altogether.

I felt like I needed to give up that desire and let it die at God’s feet. But then, a few songs later, we sang a verse about God giving us the desires of our hearts. That moment made me feel like I should be praying for it even more.

This kind of emotional swing happens to me a lot. The number of times I feel guilty for wanting marriage in a single day is ridiculous. The number of times I feel scared that I’ll never be married is also ridiculous.

But still, I keep showing up. I keep praying. And I try to keep living my life with hope and trust.

Surrender doesn’t mean I stop asking. It just means I leave the outcome in God’s hands. It means I say, “Here’s my desire, Lord, but I know You see the bigger picture.”

Hunchun, China

I’m not putting life on pause until I get married. I’m still making plans. I’m still laughing, growing, and loving the season I’m in.

Marriage is not the goal.

Faithfulness is.

If you’re someone who feels the same tension, I want to say this to you: You’re not alone. Maybe your desire isn’t marriage, but something else that feels big and close to your heart.

Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to be honest with God. You don’t have to fake detachment to be faithful. You can want something deeply and still want God more.

If you’re not sure how to pray about it, start here: “God, here’s what I want. But I want You more. Help me to mean that.”

I pray that too. I don’t always feel like I believe it fully, but I keep saying it. I believe God honors that kind of honesty.

This part of the journey is hard, but it matters. And I truly believe He’s doing something in the waiting that is just as valuable as the thing we’re waiting for.