Waiting for a Girl Like You

a young boy and girl at my fellowship looking through the window as couples are walking by while on dates

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my deep desire to get married might come across to guys. Not the filtered version I give on first dates or in DMs—but the real version. The part of me that gets a little panicky when someone ghosts me after three good conversations. The part of me that wonders if every new guy I meet could possibly be the one. I don't wear that part on my sleeve, but it’s there.

And I’ve started to worry: what if men can sense it? What if they see my desperation—and instead of finding it endearing or sweet, they find it…unattractive?

Let’s be honest. “Desperation” is not exactly a word that sparkles with romance. It doesn’t make for a good dating profile bio: “Hi, I love Jesus, coffee, and I’m kind of desperate to get married.” No one wants to say that out loud. But that doesn’t make it any less true.

For me, the desire to be married isn’t just about having a wedding or a cute last name change. It’s about wanting to share my life with someone. Wanting to be chosen. Wanting a husband, a family, a home built on love and faith. I’ve tried to tone it down, hide it, make it seem chill—but sometimes, it just leaks out.

And when it does, I start imagining how guys might react.

The Bad Reactions I Worry About

Let’s start with the fears. Because unfortunately, there’s a decent list.

First, I worry guys will find it repelling. Like, they’ll sense that I want commitment and run the other way. That just by being honest about what I want, I’ll be labeled as “too much,” “too intense,” or “emotionally needy.”

I’ve heard those words before—not always directly, but in the way conversations die off or in how quickly someone goes from interested to unavailable. There’s this fear that wanting marriage “too much” makes me less attractive, like I’m not content enough or secure enough or chill enough to be “the cool girl.”

creator: Hofran, Credit: Getty Images via iStock

I also worry that it makes me a target. That guys who don’t actually want a relationship might see my longing as an opportunity to play with my emotions. If someone knows you’re craving something badly enough, it’s not hard for them to use that to their advantage.

I’ve been scared that someone could pretend to want the same things just long enough to get close, only to disappear once they’ve gotten what they wanted or get bored.

Then there’s the fear that someone will choose me—but only because I was easy to catch. That I’ll get a “yes” from someone who isn’t really a match for me, but he thinks, Well, she’ll take anyone. And that I’ll say yes back, just because I’m so tired of being alone.

That’s probably the darkest version of this fear—that I’ll settle, or be settled for, not because we’re in love, but because I was tired of waiting and he was tired of looking.

But Maybe… There’s a Good Side?

Even with all those fears swirling around, I’ve started to wonder: what if there’s another way to look at this? What if my desperation—or to put it more kindly, my deep desire—could actually attract the right kind of guy?

I don’t mean the perfect guy, or the one who comes riding in on a white horse quoting 1 Corinthians 13.

I mean a man who understands that wanting commitment isn’t a flaw. A guy who sees my honesty about marriage as refreshing, not frightening. Someone who’s also tired of the games, the casualness, the endless “let’s just see where this goes” loop.

Maybe a good guy could find my clarity appealing. Like, he wouldn’t have to guess where I stand or what I want. He wouldn’t have to decode mixed signals or play it cool. I think there are guys out there—especially Christian men who want to build something real—who actually appreciate when a woman is upfront about her vision for the future.

And maybe, just maybe, a guy could find it attractive that I value marriage so much. Not because I’m desperate for anyone, but because I’m passionate about building a life with the right person.

There’s a difference between wanting to be married and wanting to be married to you, specifically. And a mature man can tell the difference. He won’t feel pressured or trapped—he’ll feel chosen and honored.

Holding Space for Both

The truth is, both possibilities exist. Some guys will be turned off by how much I want to be married. Some might even try to use it against me. That’s just reality.

A student of mine saying her vows to her groom at her wedding

But I also believe there are guys who won’t be scared by my desire. They’ll be drawn to it, even relieved to find someone who isn’t afraid to name what she wants. They’ll see my heart and not mistake it for weakness.

The key, I think, is for me to stay grounded. To remember that my longing for marriage doesn’t make me less worthy or more vulnerable—it just makes me human.

And yes, maybe I do come across a little strong sometimes. Maybe I need to keep working on trusting God’s timing and not letting anxiety drive me. But I don’t want to pretend to be indifferent just to attract someone who wouldn’t value me otherwise.

That’s not love—it’s performance.

Final Thoughts

So if you’re like me—if you’ve ever worried that your desire for marriage is “too much”—I want to say: you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You don’t have to play it cool just to seem dateable.

The right man won’t be scared off by your desire for commitment. He’ll admire it. And he’ll match it with his own.

Yes, there’s a risk in being honest. But there’s also risk in pretending. I’d rather be honest and wait longer than fake it and end up with someone who never really saw me. So I’m going to keep being real about what I want—and trust that the man who’s right for me won’t run from it. He’ll recognize it. And he’ll stay.

couple reading and drinking tea at a cafe

What About You?

Have you ever felt like your desire for marriage scared guys off—or made you feel like you had to shrink your hopes just to be “datable”?

I’d love to hear your story. Drop a comment below or share how you’ve seen guys respond to your honesty about wanting a relationship. Let’s talk about it—because you’re definitely not the only one navigating this tension.