What I’ve Been Looking For

My brother in law carrying their bags so that my sister can carry my nephew

Sometimes I sit with my journal open, pen in hand, and just stare at the page. The question creeps up again: "Do I really want this, or do I just think I’m supposed to?" And by “this,” I mean the list. You know the one. The list of what I want in a husband. I’ve written and rewritten it more times than I can count. Sometimes I’m inspired, sometimes I feel silly, and sometimes I’m completely unsure if I’m dreaming Godly desires or just borrowing what I’ve seen on Instagram or heard in a podcast.

There’s a real tension here. How do I know which desires are honoring to God and which ones are just based in fear, insecurity, or cultural pressure? How can I tell the difference between what I genuinely like, what Scripture says matters, and what might be an unrealistic, overly romanticized ideal?

To start with, I have to be honest about my preferences. I’m drawn to someone with a good sense of humor. I want a guy who can make me laugh, who dresses well, who enjoys coffee shop dates and long walks. I want someone who values fitness, likes music, shares some of my interests, and maybe even understands my love for quiet mornings and thoughtful conversations. And I’ve wrestled with whether it’s okay to want those things. Is it shallow to care about how someone dresses? Is it superficial to hope he likes coffee or enjoys traveling?

I’ve come to believe that preferences aren’t bad. God created us with personalities and likes and dislikes. But when preferences become filters that block us from seeing really good people, or when they become demands we refuse to let go of, they can start to hurt us more than help us. It’s one thing to notice what draws me to someone. It’s another thing to let those preferences become non-negotiables that crowd out the qualities that actually last.

What I’ve been challenged to come back to are the things that really matter, the things God’s Word highlights. Qualities like humility, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and a servant’s heart. These aren’t exciting buzzwords on a dating profile, but they are deeply beautiful in real life.

One time I saw a guy at church carrying a real Bible. Not the Bible app. A literal, hold-it-in-your-hands Bible. I didn’t even see his face. I just noticed the Bible, and something in me lit up. I immediately texted my friends about him and called him “the unicorn.” He was a visitor, and I never saw him again, but the moment stuck with me. It reminded me how spiritually grounded character is magnetic in a quiet, powerful way.

My sister's brother and sister in law holding my newborn nephew

That moment also made me ask myself whether I’m actually prioritizing those Godly qualities or just saying I do. It’s easy to say “I want a man who loves the Lord,” but it’s harder to let that really be the thing that captures my heart. Am I more focused on how a guy makes me feel in the moment, or how his life reflects the fruit of walking with God?

Then there’s the category I don’t always want to admit: the unrealistic expectations. These are the ones that sneak in from rom-coms, social media, and even Christian culture. I want him to be strong but also emotionally vulnerable. I want him to lead but never control. I want him to provide but always have time. I want him to be spiritual and also understand my love for pop culture. I want him to love working out and drinking coffee and being fun but also be serious when it matters. I want him to understand my brain fog, laugh at my weirdness, find me both adorable and sexy, and basically read my mind without me ever having to explain myself.

That’s not a man. That’s a made-up person. That’s me trying to protect myself from disappointment by imagining someone with just enough flaws to be relatable, but not so many that I’d have to be uncomfortable. I want him to grow—but only in the areas I’m okay with. I want him to be imperfect—but only in ways I can manage. That’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to me either. It’s exhausting trying to find someone who lives up to a list that no human could ever match.

My mom and I playing at the gym when I was a child

God’s been gently showing me where I need to release some of that control. He’s softening my expectations and sharpening my understanding of what truly matters. I still hope for someone I enjoy spending time with. I still want to be attracted to my future husband. But more than that, I want someone who will walk with me through the ups and downs of life. Someone who is faithful when things are hard, who loves Jesus more than he loves me, and who treats people with kindness even when no one is watching.

I’m learning to trust God with the list and also with my own heart. He’s not trying to take away my joy or lower my standards. He’s helping me want what will actually bring life. It’s okay to desire both connection and character. It’s okay to want someone who delights in you and who will also challenge you to grow. The key is letting God shape those desires instead of trying to control them.

I’d love to hear from you. What’s one thing you used to think was non-negotiable that you’ve since let go of? Or what’s one thing you’re holding onto that you know matters deeply to your heart? Let’s talk in the comments.